10. Sarah Silverman

Don’t worry about your finger, your vagina is the real money maker.

9. Brooke Burke

Stay out of my pants! (I’m just kidding, stay in them as long as you want).

8. Demi Moore

And by “signature squint” she means her camel toe of course.

7. Kim Kardashian

Okay, that’s just racist.

6. ”Weird Al” Yankovic

Don’t worry Al, I hear they play those dvd’s all the time in hell.

5. Taylor Swift

And by cat she means… nevermind.

4. Tila Tequila

She’s still trying to work out a few mental issues.

3. Andy Milonakis

…including his mom.

2. Briana Banks

Anybody know what gym she goes to?

1. Jonathan Knight

Well, it’s nice to know he’s not gay or anything…

Here are two pictures from Jessica Simpson’s latest DVD release, “Private Valentine: Blonde & Dangerous”.

Judging from the movie stills, I guess she became really horny and decided to perform oral sex on a candy bar. Maybe that’s why Tony Romo dumped her? The candy bar was getting more action than him!

Khloe Kardashian will be featured on the newest cover of Life & Style Magazine because she lost an entire 20 pounds in 4 weeks.

“I used to get teased all the time as a kid,” Kardashian told the magazine. ”People [even in more recent years] would come up to me and be like, ‘Oh, you’re the fat, funny one.’ I would wonder, is that who I am?”

Way to go Khloe! You endured 4 weeks of Anorexia and as a reward you lost an entire 20 pounds. Congratulations!

Khloe later revealed plans to have all the lost fat injected back into her ass and breasts.

Barbara Walters expresses her disgust for Sacha Baron Cohen and his latest movie “Bruno”. Walters claims she nearly puked when she saw close-ups of penises and anal sex.

Don’t be shy Barbara; we know it turned you on.

Miley Cyrus recently revealed her crush for Zac Efron on her twitter page.

“Me and mom are seriously sitting here staring at Zac Efron on Google images….Girls I totally get it! He is gorgeous!” she Tweeted.

Uh no, she didn’t!

Be prepared Miley, you’re about to feel the wrath of Vanessa Hudgens.

Angelina Jolie West Bank adoption bridge strategy

Jon Mitcheal,jon@comedyicon.com

Pulp Fiction

While arguably one of the greatest gangster movies of all time, it’s not the most family friendly choice.  While you  could argue it does teach core family values by citing biblical passages, the outcome for failing to adhere to those values will probably make you a dead motherfucker.

Apocalypse Now

Some may appreciate the movie for the literary allegory to Heart of Darkness.  Others may find a new appreciation for historical fiction.  But one thing is certain.  Once all the kids in the audience see all the lopped off heads and the sacrificed calf you’ll be screaming, “The whore, the whore!”

The Shawshank Redemption

Sure the theme of the movie is one of hope and perseverence.  But that only really comes in the last fifteen minutes.  Before that you have to sit through sodomy, suicide, and a man climbing around in other criminals’ shit.  If you don’t leave the park and walk into traffic due to a sudden onset of depression then you’ll love the payoff.

Old School

Who doesn’t love a movie chocked full of dick and fart jokes?  It’s  a great preparation film for our future college dropouts.  Sadly, parents may object to nude women bathed in KY, or Will Ferrell toting around a blowup sex doll.  Kids have to learn sometime, right?

9 1/2 Weeks

Remember the good old days when we still tried to pass soft core movies off as art?  How about when Mickey Rourke didn’t look like he was hit by a semi and Kim Bassinger wasn’t run ragged by crazy Alec Baldwin?  What way to heat up summer than with two formerly beautiful stars boning like bunnies?

10) The only way for everything to fit was to ditch the spare.

9) If the music hadn’t been so godawful I wouldn’t have had to kick the stereo.

Did you see those roaches scurry when we turned on the lights?

7) Sorry, guys, I thought Tulsa was going to be way cooler than that.

6) Did I wake you up?  I thought I saw a puma on the road so I swerved.  I think it was actually a dog.  I may have hallucinated the whole thing.  I’m tired.

5) Quick, pull over!  I swallowed my dip!

4) I told you to pull over.

3) How fast do you have to pass a state trooper before there’s no way he can catch you?

2) How was I supposed to know the tent would flood?

1) Who’s that lying next to you and why are his pants on the television?

I’m sure you’ve had some great lines from a road trip.  Post them in the comments section.

Homicide Detective:

Sure it sounds a bit gritty and intense but where else do you get to act like a true superhero?  And while industries all over the country are shrinking there are no shortage of people getting killed in these United States.  In Chicago there were 11 people killed over the Fourth of July weekend.  Plus if the life of a detective is even a fraction of exciting as that of Jimmy McNulty from The Wire then you, my friend, are in for a sweet life:

Black Market Organ Dealer:

Sometimes desperate times calls for you to get a little crafty and a bit extra-legal in your business practices.  If you can justify the fact that some people only deserve one kdiney then you can get into the racket of dealing organs.  The perk about the job is that it generally takes you to exotic locales like Bangkok, Thailand or Bismark, North Dakota.  You have to travel where the clients are.

Unfathomable Celebrity:

It seems that every time you turn on the television there’s a new hot name making headlines.  Do you ever think that could be you?  Well it could be if you play your cards right.  All those idiots had to start from somewhere.  Tara Reid was Jersey trash before she became a member of Paris Hilton’s drunk whore entourage.  True you either have to be able to work out all the time or find the money to have a lot of work done (are you above selling a kidney?), but the payout is awesome.  You get paid to say awful,  asinine things just like Heidi and Spencer.

Pitchman:

There seems to be an opening in the business since Billy Mays is dead the ShamWow guy was arrested for beating the crap out of a hooker.  If you can scream at a decibel that will shatter a glass or you have a voice that never got you laid in high school then this could be your dream job.  But wait, there’s more!  You don’t even need to have a product ready all you have to do is be able to act like a complete jackass so that other people don’t respect you but want a convenient product – but only if you double their order.  The product doesn’t even have to be good for you to make money.  Just look at these:

It might take some looking but with a little ingenuity there are an infinite amount of ways to make some money.  And if all else fails you can sell a kidney.

Thanks all the reruns of Law & Order I know feel that I could successfully navigate an bail hearing:

I am under no illusion that I could handle a real trial.  I’d need at least four more years of watching all the various spin off shows as well as the original to feel confident enough for that.  But I know with absolute certainty I could navigate my way through a bail hearing, no problem.  I’ve offered my services to my friends pro-bono but nobody seems to share in my confidence.

If I’m up before Noon I’ve woken up early:

There’s not much to do other than apply for jobs, flipping channels in my boxers and waiting for my girlfriend to come home.  That doesn’t require much more work that rolling out of bed.  I do need to have clothes on by 3pm or when said girlfriend gets home she’s none to pleased.  Apparently it gives the impression that I haven’t been doing anything all day.

My apartment is spotless:

Sometimes you just can’t wallow in the unemployment muck and mire.  When those occassions do arise I can resort to rescrubbing the same kitchen countertop until it blinds me with its shimmer.  Barometric pressure chambers have nothing on me.

My cat doesn’t shed anymore:

I have literally brushed all the excess hair from her body.  She no longer molts, wilts or expunges cat hair on everything because I can devote an entire day to brushing all of it off her.  She sometimes flails about and whines incessantly but that’s the cost of doing business with a cat.  The scratches don’t even bother me anymore.

I’m more environmentally conscious:

Cutting corners is the key while being unemployed.  To cut down on the gas bill I’ve cut my bathing routine back to a couple times a week.  It’s not like I’m getting any interviews so what’s the point of getting clean?  Besides the important parts are managed daily and I do have some excess soap from the kitchen sink to wash my hands with.

I’m more community oriented:

Now that I’m around all the time I can be more engaged with the everyday happenings of my neighbors.  I know about Paul’s afternoon romps with some delivery boy before his wife gets home with the kids.  I know that my upstairs neighbor who claims he’s a musician must be starving because nobody would ever pay him to play such awful racket.  And I’m fairly confident my next door neighbor is running some sort of treatment center because for the past month or so I’ve seen people go in but not come out.  I’ve avoided his invitations thus far but I’m running out of excuses.

In hard times it’s all about perspective.  If you can put a good spin on it then any situation is a great one.